fracturedrp | I get to be me...

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Current Location: Her Desk
Current Music: Some awful stuff coming from the Boss' office. DNW.

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I get to be me...

When: After Owen tells Liz she can work in the field a little while longer.
Where: NY Hub
Who:

captainspain /OTA
What:

Despite Gwen seeing her being all wussy and girly with Owen after nearly getting eaten by some one eyed tentacle monster, Liz is in a fantastic mood. Better than she's felt in weeks. She's at her desk, that baby monitor she can't figure out how to make work sitting on a pile of papers as she marks on every single calender the exact day Owen said she couldn't be in the field anymore with a big red X before she settles down with one of those stupid baby books that are probably doing more harm than good for her confidence in the fact she can actually pull this 'being a mom' thing off.

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A Jack enters the room and his glance falls on Liz and the baby book, which draws a snort out of him. "Those books are crap," he says easing his swelling body into a nearby chair and sighs. "They scare you and make you feel like the worst parent in the world when your kid isn't following their timeline."

"Yeah, so are all those books that tell you throwing garlic at a vampire will make it shriek like a banshee, but I've read those, too."

She quirks a brow and sighs. "I don't think I'll need a book to help me think I'll be a bad parent." Liz closes the book and looks over at him. The bandage on her arm is fully visible. "Figure they can't hurt, you know?"

Jack laughs. "Hey don't assume you'll be a bad parent right off the bat that's negative thinking, which is also bad. Besides you couldn't be worse then I'm going to be."

"You wanna bet?" Liz have that pile of books dog eared, highlighted and bookmarked. "Seriously though, one of these says to A) and the other says do B)," Liz reaches for one of the books that's all hippy dippy new age crap. "And this one." She rests her head on her hands before shove a pile of books in the trash.

"Trust me...you can't be more fucked up that me," Liz frowns, her expression worried. "You don't have to worry about burning your kid to death every time you get upset." Liz is deadly serious, to coin a phrase. It's going to be a tiny version of Owen, of course the kids going to piss her off.

"Yeah all I have to worry about is out living them...or worse hurting them so deeply they never want to talk to or see me again," Jack says thinking of Melissa and her cold stare after Steven's death.

He might not be harming himself anymore, but the voice that drove him to it still linger and make it hard to sleep when he tries. He picks up one of Liz's baby books and laughs. "Raise a Genius from the Womb...."

Liz sighs and shakes her head. "Look, I don't wanna have a pissing contest with your about who's superpower sucks more to have kids with, OK?" Liz has her own demons too. That memory of her mother, her father and her brother screams as they burned away to nothing is never, ever going to fade, no matter how much good stuff Liz tries to replace it with.

"What?" Liz quirks a brow and snatches the book from Jack's hand. "Owen's a doctor, the kids gonna be smart. I just want him to be...you know, as smart as possible." She nods to the man's...belly. Wow, that's still a mind fuck. "They make special headphones you can put on your stomach to let the kid listen to Beethoven."

"Trust me when I say you can't start that stuff so early because it doesn't work," Jack said with a shake of his head, "just let him be who he or she wants to be and they'll turn out just fine."

"Doctor says he's got a 'hunch' it's a boy." Liz nods thoughtfully. "You were...a parent before right? Or...is your timeline, you know your original timeline different?"

"Couple of times yeah," Jack says with a nod, "and my time line is pretty much the same as the others...I'm just...well right after the whole you know...."

He trails off looking down at his feet in shame.

"Uh huh..." Liz doesn't pry much into peoples business here because she doesn't want her own pryed into, but she's heard enough to know what he means. "It wasn't your fault, you know. You didn't have a choice."

"That's what older me says," the younger Jack, "but I still hear their voices sometimes, Steven...and Ianto...and it's hard to listen to anyone else."

Liz knows this is still fresh for this Jack, and how guilt can destroy a person, if they let it.

"Look," She rolls her chair around to be next to him. "I know I don't really know you but I know what it's like to have...death weighing on you. You think it's your fault and you question yourself every second of every day." Liz sighs a bit regretfully. "But you have to remember that every single day is a new day, a new chance to make things right. As right as you can."

Jack's hand drifts to his swelling stomach and he smiles a little. "And I will, I will make sure my child has the life I couldn't give to those I lost."

"Then you're on the right track," Liz smiles and looks him over. "Am I really gonna get that...you know. That big?" Somehow it's more shocking on a guy. Liz saw Alisa when she was pregnant with the twins but...this is still odd.

"I could say that it looks worse then it is," Jack admits, "but I'd be lying and you deserve the truth."

Liz actually chuckles at that. "Most people wouldn't do that..." Liz has done more than her share of lying in the past, even recently. "Good for you, the whole...not lying thing."

"I didn't used to be so honest....but times change and so do people."

"Yeah..." Liz is finding that out firsthand. "Change...isn't something I'm very good with. But I don't really have a choice this time, you know?"

"We always have a choice Liz," Jack says, "it's which one we choose that matters."

"Well...I guess." She doesn't want to think of what her other choices would be in the situations she's in now. Run...hide...get angry. Not really options she's liking.

"Would you...you know, that choice you had to make before," Liz is hoping he's good at taking hints because she doesn't want to say it out loud. "Would you make it again, knowing what you know now about how screwed up everything still is?"

Jack considers this for a long, long moment before he answers. "Yes I would," he says softly, "as much as I don't want to....the people who died would want me to keep the world safe."

Liz nods. I've...concidered asking one of the Doctors if he could take me back to keep me from..." Liz sniffles a bit. Since she found out she and Owen were going to be parents, it's made her miss her own so much. This baby will never know their grandparents, never know their blood family...it's not something Liz wanted to happen.

"There was this thing, when I was a kid I wish I could change. But...I asked the Boss and he told me no a long time ago and...yeah. I still think about it sometimes."

"It happens when you know time travelers," Jack replies with a nod, "hell I'm glad my wrist band isn't working right anymore. I hate having the temptation hanging on my wrist all the time."

"Really?" Liz is frankly shocked by this. The idea that someone who knows so much about the way Time is supposed to be like Jack does has toyed with the idea of going back to change things makes her feel a bit better.

"How come...you don't have someone fix it?"

"I used to want someone to," Jack says, "and the Doctor did once, but like I said the temptation to change what should remain fixed was too great and now I'd rather it was broken."

"What's the secret?" Liz asks cautiously. "You know, how did you learn to accept the things you can not change and...all that Serenity Prayer crap."

"I realized I had to stay strong for myself and for others. If I fell apart they would too, because I was the leader," Jack says, "simple and somewhat stupid I know but there it is."

"Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to deal with." Liz nods as she listens. "Like...my fire. The little stuff is harder than the big stuff sometimes."

"Control works both ways, sometimes you have to let a little go to get alot back, if that makes sense Liz," Jack said gently.

"Makes perfect sense, but it's easier said than done, you know?" Liz can't decide if she likes it or hates it when someone points out something obvious. Sure, it's obvious, but easy to forget.

"Sometimes," Jack replies thoughtfully not wanting to state the obvious but feeling as though it needs to be said. "And sometimes it's just something we can do without thinking about it at all."

Liz shakes her head a bit as she smiles, standing from her desk. "You know...you're a hell of a lot smarter than most of the other Jacks are."

"Thank you." Liz stops and looks down at him, feeling only slightly more confident but it's enough. Baby steps. "I...kinda gotta pee. So...yeah. Thank you."

Jack smiles and nods. "You're welcome Liz," he says softly not elaborating why he might be smarter then his other selves, though he wouldn't consider himself that if pressed.

OOC: Call this one closed?

OOC: Done!

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I get to be me...

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